David Mitchell
Oh, but my friend Joe, I have found an even more exciting way to spend this idle time.
The following are the simple steps one would take to achieve more fun than we are legally allowed to have here in Beaufort County.
First; Have the old drain line that goes from your washer to the outside of the house back up. This wiil achieve maximum floors covered in water in no time at all.
Don't you just love a movie that starts off fast? And we are indeed, just gettin' started.
Second: Wait several days before the landlord can get a plumber out to your house. We most certainly don't want to rush into things now - do we?
(The correct answer here is, "NO, this is the South. And we don't "scurry" down here.)
Third; When the Plumber finally does arrive, he cuts the line and runs a device into it to clear it, then discovers that it drains to a smaller seperate septic tank that nobody even knew was there - and it's clogged - of course! (wouldn't want to get off that easy).
Fourth; So the plumber has to call a Septic Company to handle this part of the problem
(You probably already knew that didn't you? Damn! I just hate when your friends withold valuable information!)
And of course, that call takes a few more days.
Fifth; The septic Company comes out, locates the tank, digs up the back yard, clears the backup, and covers it up and then goes home. The very idea that the Septic Copany would finish their task but not even call the landord back, or let the original plumber know that he's "been here done that" - so they might know to come back and re-connect the downspout line - never even occurred to me. What the hell do I know?
Six-a; (Now I know what you're thinking. Your thinking this is some sort of "12-Step" program to achive utter domestic bliss. Well, it may be full of burgers but it' snot that.)
Six-b; At my advanced age I have already forgotten #6, so lets's just write that one off to "senior moments" and mosie on down to step #7.
Seven; So by now we are finally all on the same page on the phone (Landlord, Plumber, Septic Company, and me. NOTE: I play the part of the dashing, jovial, debonaire tennant in this high stakes, fast moving drama). So the plumber calls (last Friday) and says "Kin we get back "atcha" next Tchuuesdee". "Sure" I say, releived.
Eight; Now before I let you think this is gonn'a end before it's really over, you just hold on there. Midway through this frivolity, my refrigerator decides to join the fun. I get up late one night (we older guys do that a lot these days) and after my short 2:00 am visit to that little room off the hallway, I walk into the kitchen to grab my favorite snack - a little mini pecan roll-up, and a sip of milk. But whoa! Something very wet on the dark floor sends me hurtling through space at an alarming rate of speed. After a skillful recovery, I turn on the ceiiling light to see a veritable small river making it's way from the bottom of the refrigerator, across the floor to a puddle near the sink area. Oh joy!
NIne; But for such a new challenge, I am well prepared. (one doesn't spend 3 whole weeks in the Our Lady of Peace Boy Scouts and learn nothing at all). I keep a large treasure trove of old towells and rags, knowing that days like this are yet to be enjoyed. After wiping up and then strategically applying rags and towells across the floor here and there, I return to my pillow. zzzzzzzz! (for those of you falling asleep at this narrative that can be your cue)
Ten; Next morning it is of course, worse. I call the landlord and ask who does appliance repair and we both agree that the one and only appliance repair place in town has gone out of business. So I call the plumber and ask if they can look at this problem when they come out next "Tchuuuesdee". "Well, sir, we'll have a look at her. But I can't guarantee anything."
Eleven; (BTW, the lobby is still open with Coke and Popcron and "Dots" if you're hungry). After about 5 days of running my "towell wipe-up and block the flow" game (day and night), I got a call from the plumber - "Sir, it's gonna be more like Friday bufore we kin git to ya. Is that gonna be alright?" "Oh, but of course."
(and did I already mention this is the "South"?)
XII (that's 12, right?) So we are just a few days away from the end of this excitement. And all I want to say is - -
Whoops, time to get back and change dry rags for wet ones in the dryer.
Top that, you hopeless romantic!
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