Timothy Lavelle
Dear Abby,
Your representative just left my home. Pleasant young man. I will put the following synopsis in writing as he requested.
1) No, I did not know that I had written you 17 complaining letters, questioning, whining letters since the early November debacle. Of course I am sorry for wasting your valuable time. But I was earnest in both my comments and my queries. For instance, maybe you recall my comment....The man who first said 'making a mountain out of a molehill' probably did not have moles in his yard." That was an example of one of my ernest comments. I have a Japanese film crew, camped on my property, making a movie to be titled "Mozilla, This Time He Means Business!".
2) Also, I asked you what I thought was a really fair question - and one you have no doubt heard before in your undertaking as Grand Pubah of the Confused. "Abby" I asked politely, "why does my wife think I should be able to read her mind"? Maybe I have to read your mind to get an answer??
3) And in my earliest letter your team seemed to misread what I wrote completely. Your rep suggested that I had complained about not being able to get a table for five with Al and Judy at some recent party for fifty would-be friends! Read the ^%$&*& letter will you? I asked why, after having good wood-working tools for five years, I couldn't make a table like Al Judy did for the 50th Reunion.
Maybe I'll write to Ann Landers instead. Or...Or better yet...Yeah, better yet, I just won't open a newspaper for the next four years! What a great idea!
Old friends...No doubt this posting seems crass and untimely to many. I've just always thought it was my job to make you laugh...especially when things seem dark. Just take it as a loud fart in church...
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