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Mark Schweickart
Mike -- Loved the Hamilton review. Well done.
Hamilton inspired me to write this parody awhile ago. Instead of a nemesis like Aaron Burr, picture an old-time, seen-it-all, Broadway producer having just been subjected to a pitch for a new show by this upstart character named Lin-Manuel Miranda.
I ask you –
How does a poor son of a Puerto Rican
Non-English-speaking immigrant
Become the tongue-twisting manipulator,
Originator of a language for the stage,
That he prayed could be played,
A language that would slay every critic,
Earn every rave,
Made every ticket something to be craved
By every person who would pay,
Who couldn't wait for that day
It would be their turn to say
Hoo, ha, ha! – Who is this guy anyway?
And this kid said, “My name is Lin-Manuel Miranda and
There are a million things that I have planned
A thousand songs I haven’t sung
A thousand awards I haven’t won
But just you wait
Just you wait”
I said, “A musical, Broadway show,
Is not a show, we all know it
Can’t be a hit, don’t forget
Unless of course,
Stephen Sondheim wrote it.
New musicals always flop
Land with a thud, with a plop
Never make it to the top....”
And Lin-Manuel shouted “Stop!
It’s time to hear a hip-hop beat
A new rhythm from the streets
A new rhyming pattern man
We’ve had enough of your iambs,
Pentameter is not our scan.
“So listen up as I proclaim
Once again my name
A name bound for fame
My name is Lin-Manuel Miranda and
There are a million things that I have planned
Can’t you see what could be
See the possibility
Do I have to yell it, spell it out for you
Make the chorus swell for you
It’s L-I-N-M-A-N-U-E-L, man
That’s right, let me teach you how to spell, man
M-I-R-A-N-D-A, man”
“Hold on, Lin, don’t get carried away, son
We're talking the Great White Way, a Broadway play, son.
Spare me the Sesame Street spelling lessons
And I am guessin’ that’s not even the question.
It's not about how to spell your name.
Get back to me with something less insane."
So back he came with a show called In the Heights,
And I said, “Oh Lin go fly a kite,”
No one wants to hear all that noise
Squawking talking girls and boys
All trying to sing and talk at once
It makes me feel like I’ve been punched.
You call that music, I call that painful”
He said, “Sir, must you be so disdainful?”
“Listen Lin, listen to me, I appreciate your sincerity
But as for your ability, I give it only a maybe.
This is a tough town, and, Lin, you’re still a baby.
Get off your hip-hop hobby horse.
It might play in your Heights, of course,
But if you ever want to see your name in lights
Write me something really right.
I’m not saying it has to be lily white.
Maybe something wicked, maybe something funny,
Where the price of the ticket, is worth all that money.
And Lin said, ‘Mr. Producer please,
Why here’s an idea that’ll knock you to your knees
It’s about our Founding Fathers (and this is really fun)
Mostly it is about just one – Alexander Hamilton.”
I said, “Hamilton? Shmamilton? Founding Fathers? Washington?
Jefferson? It’s been done.
Remember Seventeen Seventy-Six
A musical that could not be fixed.
I’m not going down that road again
And Hamilton? Who remembers him?”
He turned, walking to the door
Said, “I will bother you no more.
My name is Lin-Manuel Miranda and
I’m sorry you didn’t like my plan.
But I predict and somehow I know
This will be a Broadway show.
He’s more than a face on a ten dollar bill.
He’s the face of our nation and remember him I will.
But before I leave let me say what I believe:
That in New York you can launch a new play,
In New York you can launch a new play,
In New York I can launch a new play,
And I'll cal it Hamilton!”
****
His name was Lin-Manuel Miranda and
There are a million things that he has planned
And a thousand songs that he hasn’t sung
And a thousand awards that he hasn’t won
But oh my god, just you wait,
Just you wait.
And I’m the damn fool that shot him down!
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